There are likely quite a few NewStart coaches who have not run across the term "I-Thou". It is not, after
all, mentioned in The New Dynamics Of Life Skills Coaching (Allen, Mehal, Palmateer and Sluser, 1995), which for
many coach trainers has become the standard theory text. We have to look back further, to the original The Dynamics
of Life Skills Coaching (Curtiss and Warren, 1973) to find mention in the NewStart literature of this seminal spiritual/relational
concept.
Martin Buber coined the term "I-Thou" (Ich und Du in the original German) in the 1920's (Buber, 1923/1958).
He used I-Thou, and another term, "I-It", to represent what he defined as the two basic relational stances
that people have.
"It" is the world of experience. I-It is my relationship between my everyday, functioning-as-an-autonomous-unit
"I", and the world of objects, "It", with which I interact as I do with tools. The world of
"It" is indispensable to me. I am operating in I-It relationship when I'm thinking about past and future,
and when I'm using things. In the I-It relationship, other people are "things" to me, to be related with
impersonally, superficially. I-It is my relationship with "the world to be used" (p. ix), without which
I cannot do - though as Buber says, " . . . he who lives with It alone is not a man" (p. 34).
I-Thou, by contrast, is my relationship with "the world to be met" (p. ix). I-Thou is the direct, equal
relationship between my existential self and God, as God is expressed through others, by creativity, and in nature.
I-Thou happens only in the here-and-now. Herberg (Herberg, 1956) describes I - Thou like this:
The "primary word" I - Thou points to a relation of person to person, of subject to subject, a relation of reciprocity involving "meeting" or "encounter," … [t]he I - Thou relation, which Buber usually designates as "relation" par excellence, is one in which man can enter only with the whole of his being, as a genuine person (p. 14).
Racine (1996) writes a compelling first hand description of her personal experience
of I - Thou. She explains that the I - Thou relationship cannot be deliberately created, it can only be invited.
She says:
This experience cannot be manufactured. Like any experience it fades or simply fails to occur if it is pursued.
I can hope it will happen and sometimes it will. I can try to make it happen but any attempt invariably pushes
it out of reach. There is, however, a way of being that is very conducive to its emergence which could be described
as "tentative curiosity" (p. 24).
Carl Rogers (1995) declares I-Thou to be the ideal therapeutic relationship.
At its very deepest level, I - Thou is a description of the relationship between a person and God. As I bring my
whole being to an encounter with another who brings her whole being, we each encounter God and find no fundamental
difference between us. As I bring my whole being to any encounter, I open the possibility for I - Thou. I-Thou
is the relationship between my extraordinary, seeking, loving, awe-struck, in-the-moment "I", and the
world of soulmates, creation and nature: the world of relation.
So. Back to Life Skills. Ronald Friedman takes responsibility for introducing the concept of I - Thou into NewStart
Life Skills (personal communication, January 31, 2001). The Dynamics of Life Skills Coaching includes I - Thou
as an Attending Behaviour, and treats it as "a philosophical benchmark for relationship." (R. Himsl,
personal communication, June 28, 2000). The Dynamics of Life Skills Coaching describes I-Thou this way:
In the I - Thou relationship you periodically focus the dialogue on the here-and-now interaction between the two of you as it is separately perceived and felt. This has the effect of moving people into a meaningful inter-personal encounter in which ideas and feelings can be expressed freely. (p. 54)
I-Thou as Buber envisioned it is poorly represented by this description.
The argument might be made that using the term "I - Thou" was a mistake, or at least is misleading, because
what was really wanted was a term to denote the observable skill of "focus[ing] the dialogue on the here-and-now
interaction as it is separately perceived and felt", and that I - Thou is the "meaningful inter-personal
encounter" that we're trying for by using that particular skill. There is a certain merit to the argument,
for as Racine points out, we can try to be ready for I-Thou, but we can't independently create it. I-Thou is a
state of relationship, not a skill as such.
It might also be argued that to use a term like I-Thou that is closely identified with the term "God"
opens a can of worms that might best be left closed.
I-Thou has been misunderstood and misrepresented in Life Skills literature and practice. For instance, Adilman,
Maxwell, and Wilkinson (1994), in Core Lessons For Life Skills, have included I - Thou in the Attending Behaviours
lesson. They describe it like this:
· You are the "I", the other person is the "Thou."
· The aim is to be equal, not to be superior or inferior to the other person.
· Equality is shown with the tone of voice, choice of words, leveling.
· The focus remains on the speaker, ignoring distractions (p. 33).
So far, this description could roughly fit into Buber's concept. They go on, however
to use "I" and "Thou" as components of a system wherein they describe power imbalances in a
discussion, for instance saying that a big "I" and a little "Thou" has the speaker ("I")
in a dominant position (p.35). In Buber's terms, this would be describing an I - It situation.
Enforcing a strict observance of meaning seems problematic. My hope is simply that coaches / coach trainers will
realize the power for change and growth that is inherent in the I-Thou relationship, and do their best to cultivate
Racine's "tentative curiosity" as an approach to relationship with their participants.
References
Adilman, A., Maxwell, J., & Wilkinson, S. (1994). Core lessons for life
skills. Province of British Columbia, Ministry of Skills, Training and Labour,
Victoria, BC, 170 pp.
Allen, S., Mehal, M., Palmateer, S., Sluser, R. (1995). The new dynamics
of life skills coaching. YWCA of Metropolitan Toronto, Toronto, 267 pp.
Buber, M. (1958). I and thou. (R.
Smith, Trans.). 2nd edition. Charles Scribner's Sons, New York, (original work published 1923), 351 pp.
Curtiss, P., Warren, P. (1973). The dynamics of life skills coaching. Department of Manpower and Immigration, Prince Albert, SK, 239 pp.
Herberg, W., Ed. (1956). The writings of Martin Buber. Meridian, New York, 351 pp.
Racine, C. (1996). Mystical experience of a counsellor: An autobiographical
journey. Department of Counselling Psychology. Vancouver, University of
British Columbia: 174 pp.
Rogers, C. (1995). On becoming a person: A therapist's view of psychotherapy. Houghton Mifflin, New York, 420 pp.